What if I told you really how things were today? What if I said out loud how I have turned away from my music, or it from me (I don’t know who went first), and there is nothing in me that wants to write, compose, play, or sing? What if you knew that I’d forgotten how to play a good 70% of the songs in my repertoire? Despite the fact that I’ve just spent a fortune on reinvigorating my career last fall, creating a new website, getting new photos, etc., this is how it is with me today.
It will probably pass. I remember a time in 1986 when I thought it was over and I’d never write another song, ever. I’d written a really good one, and my then husband listened to it and said how bad it was, and I believed him. But this feels different. It’s not like music lives in me, and I wish I could do it, but I don’t. It’s like nothing is there.
Perhaps this is a natural process. Maybe in the creative life, there are periods where the land lays fallow, and regroups. Maybe it’s just that there are times when we’re all about creating, making, bringing things into existence, fascinated with how they grow, helping them grow. We need to be seen, heard, known. It’s high tide, and the moon is full. As we grow into and through all those years, and our children (whether actual children, or songs, buildings, companies, restaurants, etc.) have grown up and are on their own—the need to generate dims. There is a settling, a quieting of the spirit. The tide ebbs. And the moon—well, only a tiny sliver of it shows. But it’s not called what would be the opposite of the full moon, the ‘empty’ moon. It’s called the new moon.
May I’m in the new moon phase. The earth (all of who I am and what I’ve been through) is in the way between the sun and what I want to see. This strange Nothing I’ve been feeling could be an expression of this. Don’t know who I am anymore. We’re scared of this. As a culture, we’re scared when we no longer can touch the familiar places of who we think we are. But it can be such a rich state, if we allow ourselves to just be there. Without saying “Man, I’ve lost it. I’m finished. It’s over for me.”
So. I’m in this nothing, new moon phase. Letting my eyes adjust. Feeling my way, slowly, with a little more awareness. And simultaneously trying to just breathe and drop out of the way, so the sun will shine brightly on what I want to see. I’ve stopped mapping everything out, then scrunching the folded map in my hands, never looking at it as I go running half-consciously through my life.
I’ve been doing yoga. A daily practice is developing in me, and it feels really good. Gonna start a yoga teacher training this October. We’ll see, when I can get out of the way, what the next full moon will show.